Totally not evil

And we’re back for another insane and illogical installment of

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When we last left our heroes (in chapter one, chapter two, and the somehow-worse-than-both-previous-chapters-combined chapter three), T.J. and Rendar were on a secret mission that involved kissing awkwardly for A Totally Plausible Reason; Jen had just met a gorgeous, heroic, and trusted-completely-by-everyone sergeant named Steve; and in a thrilling science fictiony climax, there was a mighty space battle that concluded when  the Sffon Cruisers were tricked into destroying themselves via Three Stooges Pie Fight logic.

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In this chapter: T.J. and Rendar are attacked by the slowest moving fighter in the history of space warfare, Jessica receives a medal for her tactical genius, and we at last learn the identity of the Sffon spy. (Hint: It’s the guy smiling evilly at the camera when bad news arrives.)

Read on for the next ridiculous chapter of Fighting For the Galaxy…!

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Chapter 3: Which is somehow worse than the previous chapters combined

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Welcome back, eager readers, to the third installment of the thrilling, high-quality, not-at-all-silly science fiction masterpiece of my 13-year-old self,  Fighting For the Galaxy!

To get you in the right mood, here’s some heroic space battle music courtesy of YouTube:

And boy, is this a chapter deserving of epic music, as it features an ASTOUNDING space battle with a NOT AT ALL STUPID conclusion! Wow!

Of course, the majority of the chapter involves T.J. and Rendar reluctantly locking lips while Jess and Mark attend Jen’s totally rockin’ party, but what sci-fi fan isn’t dying to know how Mark and Jess met, or how cute Jen’s new guy, Steve, is? (Spoilers: He is TOTALLY cute.)

So, venture below, intrepid readers, and journey once more into the distant future of 2007…!

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In which there is more Fighting For the Galaxy

Welcome, friends, to another exciting installment of…

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But T.J., you may be saying (out loud to your computer). Didn’t we just have a Fighting For the Galaxy Friday Thursday yesterday?

And the answer is that yes, yes we did. But it has come to my attention that as today is actually Friday, I am honor-bound to provide another chapter of gif-laden science fiction dreck to you, my faithful readers, or risk tarnishing my good name forever.

So, put on your flight helmets and get into a consequence-free shouting match with your superior officer, because it’s time for another thrilling chapter of FIGHTING FOR THE GALAXY…!

When we last left our heroes, Commander T.J. Baer (and her faithful friends, Jen and Jess) had just refused to participate in a space battle against the murderous Sffon Collective because it was an obvious, neon-lights-flashing Trap. Captain Torel Abrigio, fingers planted firmly in his ears, dismissed T.J.’s warnings and ordered the fleet to proceed – and they were all blown to bits, including the majority of the planet Saturn (for some reason). When we rejoin our heroes, Captain Abrigio, T.J., Jess, Jen, and a few other survivors are facing down the fearsome Council of the Galactic Military to defend their actions.

And because I was thirteen when I wrote this, there will also be a swingin’ party where there are, like, boys and stuff.

AND NOW BACK OUR STORY:

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Fighting For the Galaxy Fridays

Summer, 1996: I was thirteen, and my mom, brothers, and I were living at my grandparents’ house until our new house was ready to move into. It was a good summer for many reasons (sword battles with curtain rods come to mind, for example), but it also marked a milestone in my life:

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It was the summer I wrote my first novel.

Holed up in my uncle’s old bedroom with its olive green carpeting and slightly sunken mattress, I spent night after night hunched over my mom’s word processor, listening to *insert 90s bands here* on the radio and composing what I hoped would be a science fiction masterpiece.

Said masterpiece was entitled, “Fighting For the Galaxy,” and was my first foray into the glorious realm of the Mary Sue. It starred  25-year-old Commander T.J. Baer of the Galactic Military, fighting alongside her best friends, Jen and Jessica, against the murderous Sffon Collective. It featured space battles, aliens, romance, betrayal, intrigue, inexplicably bikini-clad maids, and a guy named Rendar. And it was, I felt at the time, the finest thing I – or, quite possibly, any other author in the history of mankind – had ever written.

The other day, while going through a box of old writings, I found Fighting For the Galaxy. And I am here now to tell you that it is both phenomenally bad and completely hilarious. For those reasons, I will be sharing  it here on this blog as part of a regular installment I will be calling…

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Boom.

Of course, today is Thursday, but why split hairs when there’s awful, hilarious pseudo sci-fi to be shared?

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In which the dreadful consequences are revealed

It would seem that my six-hour journey yesterday was not without consequences.

Yes. For you see, the sad truth of the matter is…

I’m sick.

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On the plus side, at the moment it’s just a bit of a sore throat plus a general overwhelming feeling of you’re sick you’re sick you’re sick just in case you forgot for a minute HEY you’re sick…but as I just took three sick days last week due to a stubborn bastard of a migraine, this is less than good.

Teaching, alas, is one of those professions where the ability to speak is somewhat integral, and in my current state, I can only talk for three or four minutes before my throat turns into a gritty stretch of desert highway and I suddenly start sounding like a pack-a-day blues singer on his death bed.

In addition, being self-employed, I’m perpetually only one paycheck away from financial ruin, particularly around the holidays. So, naturally, my body decided that now would be a hilarious time to come down with a nasty cold, because my body is kind of an asshole sometimes.

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Seen above: My body, being an asshole. Or Vader-somebody. I’m always getting those two mixed up.

On the plus side, I had the whole day today to rest and recuperate, so perhaps a Glorious Miracle will occur and I’ll wake up tomorrow 100% healed, HALLELUJAH!

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Or, more likely, I’ll wake up tomorrow and still feel like death, but I shall keep an optimistic attitude and trust in the power of positivity – as well as the gallons of Emergen-C I’ve been drowning myself in since my symptoms began this morning.

Think fondly of me, my friends, and should you have any spare healing vibes, do send them in my direction. If anyone needs me, I’ll be wrapped up in a sweaty cocoon of blankets, watching I Love Lucy and dreaming of a day when I no longer feel crappy, world peace is achieved, no one goes hungry, universal equality is the way of things, and each and every one of you goes and likes my Facebook page.

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For more on why doing so is in your best interest, check here. And then go like my Facebook page, because why not?

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Why not indeed.

/questions for the ages

Chosen cover reveal!

Despite my lingering headache (and growing certainty that I really shouldn’t have eaten that extra piece of chocolate), I’m pleased to offer you all a first glimpse of the cover of Chosen!

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Long-time readers (and psychics) will recognize Chosen as the LGBT fantasy series I’ve mentioned approximately 75,000 times since starting this blog, and others will not recognize it at all, because the world is a sad, sad place where many people don’t yet know the intimate details of my writing life.

In any case, the first book in the series will be called The Hayel (pronounced hī-yel’), which is a deep and meaningful title that will only have deep meaning if you actually read the book.  Funny how that works.

The full cover, including the back and spine:

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(click for larger version)

The cover art was done by a talented artist named Steven James Catizone, who created six or seven different versions of Kaine standing there holding blue fire – and now has to deal with the fact that the author (read: me) has chosen to use the very first draft version, heartlessly casting aside all the hard work that went into the others.

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Authors are such bastards.

By the way, I’m still looking for bloggers, authors, or book reviewers interested in writing review blurbs for Chosen, so if you are any of the above (or know someone who is), send me a line at tjbaerwrites@gmail.com. Or if you just want to say “hi,” that’s cool, too.

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One last bit of news: I’ve spiffed up the site a bit, changing the banner and the layout so as to give it a slightly more professional, less beige appearance:

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Also, it grieves me to inform you all that the weird little apple in the upper left corner of the page has gone, vanishing back into the fruity ether from whence he came.

craftytheme_apple This guy.

He shall be missed. <3

Sleep deprivation, take #578093248234

Massively sleep-deprived, wheeeee!

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Second night in a row that I’ve been kept awake by a nasty headache, then awakened later when Benny decided to practice his feline yodeling in the wee hours of the morning.

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On the plus side, being up early means I have a nice long period of time in which to get over my headache before work, so…that’s good, right? RIGHT?

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It does, Arthur. It really does.

In less obnoxious news, the work on getting Chosen publish-ready is moving along nicely. The cover of the book is nearly done, which means that there’ll be a terribly exciting Cover Reveal post at some point in the future, because what’s the point of having a cover if you can’t do a terribly exciting cover reveal post?

In other-other news, due to the unfortunate demise of my laptop, I’m currently in possession of a Shiny New Laptop and – due to said laptop not having anywhere for me to plug in my modem – a similarly shiny and new router. Which means that, for the first time in my impoverished teacher/writer life, I am in possession of WiFi, and can thus access the internet ANYWHERE IN MY APARTMENT.

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At the table by the windows? INTERNET. On my bed? INTERNET. Perched on top of the refrigerator for some reason? INTERNET.

Amazing.

(I realize that everyone else has had wifi for approximately six thousand years, but I shall bask in the shiny newness of it nonetheless.)

Anyway. Not much else going on. Thanksgiving was lovely and taught me the  valuable life lesson that giblets are pretty freaking gross. Also, ya know, love and family and gratitude and such, but man, those giblets.

Anyway, as I seem to be losing my tenuous grip on coherence, let me bid you adieu for now, hopefully to return at a later time when I’m less sleep-deprived (or have a bit more caffeine in my system).

Best wishes to all for a non-sucky day~~~!

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